So… What Are We? The Conversation That Could Save You From a Situationship

We’ve all been there — that awkward, slightly terrifying moment where you want to ask “So… what are we?” but your inner voice screams, “Don’t ruin the vibe!” You’re vibing, texting every day, sharing playlists, maybe even toothbrushes — but the title conversation still hangs in the air like a cloud. You don’t want to come off as “doing too much,” but deep down, you know it’s time to get clear.

Let’s be real: in this era of “let’s just see where it goes,” clarity can feel like a radical act. But the truth is, avoiding the conversation doesn’t protect your peace — it just delays your disappointment.

The Cost of Staying Silent

When you skip the “what are we” conversation, you create a space where assumptions lead the way. You might think you’re building something meaningful, while the other person thinks it’s just a vibe. The longer you avoid defining things, the easier it becomes to slip into a situationship — emotionally invested, physically connected, but lacking the mutual clarity and commitment that make relationships safe and sustainable.

And let’s not sugarcoat it — situationships can be emotionally exhausting. You start second-guessing texts, replaying interactions, and trying to decode energy that should’ve been explained outright. You tell yourself, “We’re basically together,” but without clear communication, you’re left guessing instead of knowing.

For many of us, especially Black women and women of color who were taught to be accommodating, easygoing, or “low-maintenance,” asking for clarity can feel like pressure — like you’re about to ruin something good. But communicating your needs early isn’t clingy. It’s emotionally responsible.

Why the “What Are We” Conversation Matters

That conversation isn’t about locking someone down — it’s about aligning expectations. You’re saying: I value my time and energy enough to make sure we’re on the same page.

When you state what you’re looking for, you’re not demanding commitment; you’re setting context. You’re giving the other person the opportunity to meet you with honesty — or show you that they can’t. Either way, clarity is a gift.

Having that conversation early also models emotional maturity. It sets the tone for how you communicate in the future — honestly, respectfully, and directly. It shows that you can talk about uncomfortable things without shutting down or turning it into a fight.

How to Have the Conversation Without Feeling Awkward

1. Check your timing. Choose a moment when you both feel calm and connected — not mid-argument or late at night after drinks.

   
   

2. Be clear about your own intentions first. Are you looking for something casual, exclusive, long-term? If you don’t know, it’s unfair to expect the other person to guess.

   
   

3. Use “I” statements. Try: “I’ve really been enjoying our time together, and I want to make sure we’re on the same page about what this is.”

   
   

4. Listen to their response — not their potential. If someone tells you they’re not ready for what you want, believe them. Don’t stay hoping they’ll change.

   
   

5. Stay grounded in self-worth. Remember, asking for clarity doesn’t make you needy. It means you respect your emotional well-being.

What’s at Stake if You Don’t

When you avoid clarity, you end up managing uncertainty instead of building connection. You start shrinking your needs to maintain access to someone who may never choose you fully. And over time, that kind of emotional limbo chips away at your confidence and sense of self.

By contrast, when you name what you want early — you protect your peace. You allow the right people to self-select in and the wrong ones to quietly bow out. You stop auditioning for love and start creating space for relationships that can actually meet you.

A Final Thought

Having the “what are we” conversation isn’t about control — it’s about courage. It’s the act of saying, I refuse to play small just to keep someone close. And while there’s always a risk of losing something when you ask for clarity, you’ll gain something far more important: your peace of mind.

Because the truth is, the right person won’t be scared by your honesty — they’ll be grateful for your clarity.

If you’re tired of overthinking where you stand or ending up in emotionally confusing relationships, therapy can help you find your voice and set boundaries rooted in self-worth. Visit @calmandcurly to connect and learn how I help clients build healthier relationship patterns through communication, clarity, and confidence.

Book a Consultation Today!