When Your Inner Critic Sounds Like Your Parent

You ever notice how the voice in your head doesn’t always sound like you? Maybe it sounds like your mom when she’d say, “You can do better,” even when you already were. Or like your dad, sighing in disappointment when you made a mistake. That inner commentary you hear when you mess up, fall behind, or finally try to rest? It’s not random. For many of us, our inner critic learned to speak from the people who raised us.

A lot of Black and Brown folks grew up with love that came dressed in correction. Our parents didn’t always have the language for gentleness, but they did have the pressure of survival. They taught us to stay sharp, not slip up, and always represent the family well. It wasn’t about cruelty; it was about protection in a world that was rarely kind to us. But those lessons sometimes turned into internalized criticism that now shows up in our adult lives as self-doubt, perfectionism, or burnout.

When your inner critic sounds like your parent, it can trick you into believing that pushing yourself harder is love. That rest is lazy. That “good enough” is never really enough. You start policing your own joy, brushing off compliments, and minimizing your success because you’ve learned that celebration makes you “soft.” And if you grew up equating love with performance, unconditional self-acceptance can feel foreign—even dangerous.

The healing begins when you start noticing whose voice you’re actually hearing. The next time your mind tells you you’re not doing enough, pause and ask: Who taught me that? Is this my truth, or an old message I’ve been carrying? Because while that voice may have helped you survive childhood, it’s not what you need to thrive in adulthood.

Reparenting yourself is about updating that inner dialogue. It’s choosing to speak to yourself with compassion instead of criticism. It’s replacing, “You’re so lazy,” with, “You’re tired and you deserve rest.” It’s telling yourself, “I’m proud of you,” before waiting for someone else to say it. Over time, you start to create a new internal soundtrack—one rooted in safety, not fear.

You might still hear your parents’ tone sometimes, and that’s okay. Healing doesn’t mean erasing their voice—it means turning down the volume on shame and turning up the volume on self-love. Because you can hold gratitude for the ways your parents tried to protect you while still acknowledging how their words shaped your wounds.

So the next time your inner critic starts talking, ask yourself: Would I say this to a child I love? If not, then it’s time to change the language. You’re not that child anymore. You’re an adult learning to speak to yourself with the tenderness you always needed.

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