Too Much for Who? Dating While Black, Educated, and Self-Assured

There’s a moment many Black women know too well—the pause in conversation after someone calls you “intimidating.” It’s usually wrapped in a compliment: “You’re beautiful, smart, got your stuff together… maybe just too much.” Too educated. Too direct. Too ambitious. Too independent. But what they’re really saying is: “You don’t fit the script I had in mind.”

As more Black women rise in education, leadership, and financial independence, many are navigating a dating landscape that wasn’t built with us in mind. Society often celebrates our resilience and drive—until it challenges someone else's sense of control, masculinity, or traditional gender norms. Suddenly, the very qualities that make us powerful become the reasons we’re told we’re “hard to love.”

And the emotional toll is real.

There’s grief in outgrowing a version of love you thought would be waiting once you reached the top. There’s sadness in realizing that even as you heal, learn, and grow—your dating pool may not feel as wide or welcoming. Add to that the weight of stereotypes: being called aggressive instead of assertive, “too opinionated” instead of emotionally intelligent. Let’s not even get into how protective styles, long nails, or speaking your truth in a clear voice get labeled as “ghetto” instead of authentic.

Colorism, too, still plays a cruel role in who gets labeled “wifey material” in the first place.

When you're a Black woman who is grounded, self-assured, and not willing to dim her light—it can feel like you're constantly being asked to make yourself smaller for the sake of companionship. And that’s exhausting.

But let me offer this: You are not too much. You’ve just outgrown spaces that require you to shrink.

There is deep power in embracing the fullness of who you are, and therapy can be one of the few places where you’re not asked to edit yourself. It’s where you unpack the internalized messaging, grieve unmet expectations, and reimagine love on your own terms. It’s also where you realize that softness, rest, and joy are not weaknesses—but birthrights.

You are allowed to want love without sacrificing yourself.

And if that resonates with you, I’d love to walk with you on that journey.

→ Ready to unpack your own love story? Click the link below to book a session with me.

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