Am I Gaslighting Myself? How to Trust Your Own Feelings Again

Have you ever had a moment where you felt a strong emotion—anger, hurt, sadness—and then, almost immediately, a second thought popped into your head? "I'm just overreacting." "It wasn't that big of a deal." "Other people have it so much worse." This internal monologue, where you dismiss or invalidate your own feelings, is what therapists call self-gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a term we often associate with a manipulative partner or family member who tries to make us doubt our own reality. But what happens when that manipulative voice isn't external? What happens when it’s your own? Self-gaslighting is a quiet, insidious form of self-sabotage that can erode your self-trust, leaving you feeling perpetually confused and disconnected from your authentic self.

This pattern often stems from a history of having your feelings dismissed. Maybe you grew up in a home where you were told you were "too sensitive" or "too dramatic." Perhaps you were in a relationship where your partner minimized your experiences. Over time, you internalized these messages, and now your own inner critic does the work for them.

So, how do you know if you're gaslighting yourself?

The Telltale Signs of Self-Gaslighting

• You Constantly Minimize Your Feelings: A co-worker makes a snide comment, and you feel a sting of hurt. Your immediate reaction is to brush it off: "It was just a joke. I shouldn't be so sensitive." You tell yourself you're not allowed to be upset, even when you are.

• You Second-Guess Your Memory: You recount a hurtful conversation to a friend, and a voice in your head whispers, "Are you sure that's how it happened? Maybe you're remembering it wrong." You find yourself rewriting your own history to make it less painful or to excuse someone else's behavior.

• You Blame Yourself for Everything: In any conflict, your first thought is, "What did I do wrong?" You take on all the responsibility for a situation, even when it's clearly not your fault, believing that if you were just "better," things wouldn't have gone wrong.

• You Make Excuses for Others: A friend cancels on you last minute, and you immediately jump to their defense: "They're just so busy. I shouldn't have expected them to follow through." You prioritize their reasons over your own feelings of disappointment or hurt.

• You Feel Guilty for Having Needs: You feel the need to set a boundary with a family member, and a wave of guilt washes over you. "I'm being selfish," you think. "I should just go with the flow." You convince yourself that your needs are burdensome or not important enough to express.

  
  

This constant invalidation creates a vicious cycle. The less you trust yourself, the more you seek external validation. The more you rely on others' opinions, the more disconnected you become from your own inner compass. But you can break free.

How to Trust Your Own Feelings Again

Rebuilding self-trust is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience and a commitment to re-learning how to listen to yourself.

1. Name It to Tame It: The first step is to simply notice when you're doing it. When you feel a negative emotion and that second thought—the self-gaslighting thought—arises, pause. Mentally (or out loud) say, "That's a self-gaslighting thought." This simple act of naming it creates a space between you and the thought, reducing its power over you.

2. Validate Your Emotions Without Judgment: Remember, emotions are not facts, but they are real. "I feel alone" is a real and valid feeling, even if you are not literally alone. Practice acknowledging your feelings without immediately judging them. You might say to yourself, "I'm feeling really sad right now, and that's okay." Or, "I'm angry, and I'm allowed to be." This non-judgmental acceptance is the foundation of self-compassion.

3. Become Your Own Best Friend: Imagine a close friend came to you with the exact same story and feelings you're experiencing. What would you say to them? You would likely offer them kindness, understanding, and validation. Now, turn that same compassionate voice inward. Treat yourself with the same care and respect you would offer a loved one.

4. Practice Mindful Body Scans: Our bodies often hold emotions we've convinced our minds to ignore. Take a moment each day to pause and do a quick body scan. Close your eyes and notice where you feel tension. Is your jaw clenched? Are your shoulders up by your ears? Are you holding your breath? Acknowledging these physical sensations can help you tap into your feelings and recognize what your body has been trying to tell you.

5. Journaling as a Reality Check: Journaling is a powerful tool to untangle your thoughts and feelings. Write down what happened and how you felt in the moment, without editing or censoring yourself. When you go back and read it, you can see the situation from a clearer perspective. This provides concrete evidence that your initial feelings were valid and helps you stop rewriting your own narrative.

   
   

The journey back to trusting yourself is about shifting your internal dialogue from one of criticism and doubt to one of curiosity and kindness. It's about remembering that your feelings are not a flaw; they are a vital part of your inner compass, guiding you toward what you need and what you deserve.

If you're finding it difficult to stop this cycle of self-gaslighting, or you suspect it's rooted in past experiences, please know that you don't have to do this alone. For further support on this journey, feel free to reach out to me directly at natalie@smarttalktherapy.com.

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